Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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