Your mouth is God's brothel.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
