when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
