Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
