My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
