He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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