broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am one with the molecules
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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