why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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