whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
