I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
