mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
