If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
