talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
