Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
