bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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