I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
