Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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