I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
