woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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