just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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