It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
