Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
