I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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