Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
