Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
