Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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