The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
