I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
