i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
