He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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