I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
