I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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