There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
