my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ketchup is God's man juice
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
