we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
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all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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