a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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