why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
