Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
