Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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