U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm always down for nudity.
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