He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
