I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
