Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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