We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
