Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
