I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sober January is a disaster.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
