You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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