I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
