I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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