were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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