Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Non-Jews are for practice
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
