I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
