I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
