Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
