She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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