Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
