i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
