and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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