I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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