I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
