just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
